Wednesday, January 7, 2009

E-Pop! Issue # 10: The Top 10 Overexposed Pop Culture Icons Plus Cher Does Not Lip-Sync

It's only mid-April yet E-Pop! is compelled to offer a top 10 list. This one, The Top 10 Overexposed Pop Culture Icons, comes at a time when awards shows and lists are, themselves, overexposed.

We can't take more from the famous and overexposed. All we ask is that a publicist insist that a client refrain from more than four major TV appearances in a week, avoid endorsing offshoot product lines of initial products that were tired in the first place, and try to avoid giving interviews about how intrusive interviews really are.

If the star/pseudo star/wanna-be-star with a stolen rolodex doesn't have a publicist who will do these things, all we ask is that the major networks and cable stations (yes, even the WB and E!) agree to a boycott. It's as simple as that.

Many of these icons are famous just for being famous..the Zsa Zsa syndrome. Or they keep adding chopped potatoes to the dry turkey called "their career," giving us endless hash and rehash. Or they had a moment but just won't get off the stage. So month after month, year after year, we have to listen to them hawk their latest lame exercise video, butt-flexer, one-hit-wonder-of-a-song-or-film, or even their kids, in a compulsive attempt to follow the key spot.

The list this year includes both people and iconic programs, events, and trends:

1. Pamela Anderson. With big boobs. Without big boobs. With Tommy Lee. Without Tommy Lee. With a show that foreigners and Americans with teletubby IQ's watch (Baywatch). With a show that nobody even knows about (VIPs on the WB).

2. Televised Wrestling especially the WWF and Stone Cold Steve Austin.They keep feeding us this crap with the tag line that "35 million people can't be wrong!" Yes they can. Large groups can be idiots. Buyers of the Edsel. The Holocaust. The people who paid to see "The Man In The Iron Mask." American voters. I rest my case.

3.Kathie Lee. Frank and the big-tittie-ho who set him up. Cody and his crayon-written fundraising pleas and unxious TV appearances. "Kathie Me"-label polyester dresses that she wouldn't be caught dead in, made by migrant twelve-year-olds in Haiti. The annual Christmas special.

4. The Whitney and Bobby Show. Who announces on national television that, "contrary to popular belief, I beat Bobby, he doesn't beat me!"? What happened to the elegant Whitney of yesterday? The quietly elegant ex-model with the voice and style? When did a Newark mud wrestler "soul project" into her body? We want the old closeted lesbian without the street attitude back.

5.Cindy Crawford. This modern day girl Narcissus can't take a pee without finding something media worthy in her own reflection. Now we have Cindy Crawford's mid- pregancy workout and style video. All of this from a woman who started a meeting with an ad agency that E-Pop! knows by announcing that "all Cindy campaigns should reflect the fact that men want to sleep with me and women want to be me."

6. Pulp Fiction knock-off films. "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels." "Two Heads In A Duffel Bag." "GO!" These movies are fun for the actors, not as fun for the audience who's paying. And we like these pointless movies about low life losers and petty drug deals gone awry why?

7.Shania Twain and her sad family life. Still the one who sings that damn song you'd have to be on a submarine to miss. Still the one who hasn't had another hit anyone can remember. Still the one who wins this year's "Jewel" ("I slept in a car for a year") award for bitching about her poor upbringing.

8.Celine Dion. When E-Pop! retires, we have decided to go on TV two years prior to announce it. The woman who attends the opening of every envelope keeps telling us that she hopes her fans will allow her the rest she needs and that she really must slow down. If E-Pop! ever gets so tired that it wears it's suit on backwards like Celine did at the Oscars, maybe E-Pop! will take it as a hint. Go already. Our heart will go on.

9.Suzanne Somers, the Pamela Anderson of the 70's will not leave our consciousness as long as there are infomercials and parts of the body to use as a prefix to the word "master" - Thighmaster, Buttmaster, Facemaster, Absmaster, Careermaster.

10. Leonardo Dicaprio. The clubs. The baseball cap. Titanic the film. The
clubs. The baseball cap. Titanic the video. The clubs. The baseball cap. Titanic the body wash.

And one induction into E-Pop!'s overexposed hall of fame:

Old Navy Ads with Carrie, Morgan and Marcus. Now that Kervorkian is behind bars, Old Navy ads seem to be the latest incarnation of career suicide. E-Pop! hears that David Chokachi from Baywatch is the next B-celebrity scheduled for the Old Navy Death Van. BYOKC. Bring Your Own Knit Cap.

Dishonorable mention to the following who have one foot on the last remants of their dignity and the other foot on a banana peel:

Roberto Benigni
Lisa Marie Presley
Mariah Carey
The View especially Joy Behar and Star Jones
Christie Brinkley
Oprah's Yo-Yo Dieting
Talk Shows
Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman


Plus, Cher doesn't lip sync. Much. No, not really.

Based on the VH1 Live special, the three greatest lies:

1) The check's in the mail.
2) We have no plans to restructure the division right now.
3) "Cher sang 'Believe' live."-Cher's publicist.

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