Wednesday, January 7, 2009

E-Pop! Issue # 19: Noncommittal Celebrities Piss Us Off

E-Pop! feels like a 15 year old girl waiting to get pinned by her first boyfriend.

As we skip along at school in our tartan plaid, take a drag from our first cigarette, and look around us at the pop culture landscape, at those faces and figures who influence our daily lives, we are consumed by one wish:

Dammit, we want a commitment!

This lack of commitment wafts in the air from the halls of power (will Hillary run for Senate or not?) to that Puerto Rican poster boy who shakes his ass and swings his arms like an orangutan, dressed in Prada as he shimmies his way into our vibe with that damn ambiguously gay Livin' La Vida Loca.

Is Hillary’s listening tour a prelude to some mass media coronation in which her cult-like celebrity will elevate her to Evita status (Don't cry for me, Adirondacks)?

Is Ricky Martin gay or not? Can it be possible that teenage girls look at this man with blond highlights, a blazing tan, flowing silk Prada shirts, and two inch heels and think to themselves - "mama, he wants me bad?" Can denial be so pervasive in the malls of middle America that Ricky can hold Oprah's hand as he says things like "I am single by choice, it is my time to be on my own" and "whenever I think about relationships I go do yoga until it passes" and girls can still swoon with possibility?

Is there any question that we are livin' la vida non-commitmente?

Finally, can we take another minute of the Tom and Nicole show? Their movie should have been called "Mouth Wide Open, Nothing Comes Out." Watching Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman interviewed by veterans Larry King and Diane Sawyer this past week was painful. Larry and Diane usually nail their subjects and get Eyes Wide Shut. An excerpt from Dateline:

Diane Sawyer: "Tell us what the movie is about?"
Tom Cruise: "It is what it is."
DS: "But what happens?"
TC: "It's not what happens, it's how people interpret what happens."
DS: "Well how do YOU interpret it?"
TC: "I interpret it on so many different levels. It's different every time
I see it."
DS: "What will a film goer take away from Eyes Wide Shut?"
TC: "It will be different for everyone who sees it."

Later on Good Morning America, Nicole Kidman added:

"It won't be the same for two people. You will experience it at whatever place you are. You will see whatever it is that you need to see."

Great. And the force will be with us. And Pat Morita, Arnold from Happy Days and later the wise Kung Fu master from The Karate Kid, will remind us to look within. And we will all drift off numbly to "Esoteria Land," where no one ever gives a straight answer.

While Tom and Nicole ponder the mysteries of the sphinx, let's take the mystery out of the multiplex.

I saw the movie! Great lighting! Nicole Kidman's milky white ass is exquisite. The flick is about the effects of relationship secrets on a cocky young man whose world, and relationship, are not as stable as he thinks. 2 1/2 stars.

Any more questions? No? Good. As a goodwill gesture for our commitment, send E-Pop! $8.50 plus popcorn.

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