Wednesday, January 7, 2009

E-Pop! Issue # 11: It Takes Denial to Live in This Village

Employing an unusual tactic in her "exploration" of a Senate campaign, Hillary Clinton, "author" of "It Takes a Village" and "Dear Socks, Dear Buddy: Letters to the First Pets.'' has announced her newest book project, "An Invitation to the White House'', to be published this fall. Is Hillary so consumed with becoming a superwoman and making everyone feel insecure that she needs to challenge Martha Stewart? Or is this a bizarre, pathetic attempt to prove to Bill Clinton, Sally Quinn, the Washington Establishment and E-Pop! that she is indeed a worthy traditional wife, or that the
Clintons really, truly aren't tacky?

Mrs. Clinton's book will showcase more than 20 White House events in detail and will present more than 30 recipes of dishes served at the White House. E-Pop! looks forward to trying these in particular:

* Missing Billing Records Bean Dip: This dish disappears quickly, but comes back when you least expect it.
* Buffalo Right Wings: Jack Kemp's favorite.
* Enabling Egg Salad: Served when the only thing left in the kitchen are excuses.
* Humiliation Hummus: A favorite of Queen Noor and other Middle Eastern wives.
* $100,000 Miracle Cake: So easy, you can make it with one glance at the Wall Street Journal.
* Travel Office Fire-Roasted Potatoes: Feeds 14: 7 Arkansas cronies and 7 former loyal, lifelong
* Monica and Linda Chirpy Chicks Dessert: Take 2 Marshmallow Peeps, chop off their heads, pull their
bodies apart and roast them in microwave until they explode.

As for White House events, we know all we need to know about throwing an Oval Office Pizza Party.

As we continue our focus on 2nd tier celebrities, remember E-Pop!'s motto: no
mind too small

So let's cut right to the chase. Patty Duke - who has not been most everywhere, from Zanzibar to Barclay Square (that would be Cathy) - is back. Patty, as you may recall, has only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights. But little Patty, who went on to star in Valley Of The Dolls, ended up seeing plenty of other sights before going out of sight.

Call her Patty, or call her Anna, but just CALL HER. It's been thirty-three years
since the eponymous TV show was canceled, and Patty Duke is back for a TV reunion movie this week. In a case of life imitating art, Patty discovered, after six years of playing identical cousins ("two of a kind"), that - surprise, surprise - she was manic depressive. So it's going to be lithium and tears when the twins reunite on ABC.

To get you in the mood, for those of you who remember TV tie in books, here's a Patty treat: timely excerpts from "The Patty Duke Show" Book No. 139:

Patty Goes to Washington, by Frances Spatz Leighton (Ace Books, 1964).

Yes, move over, Monica! When America's favorite identical cousins hit DC, it's strictly "Panicsville on the Potomac." And if you think a hot dog makes Patty lose control, wait'll you see what happens when she gets a load of what's inside the Oval Office!


It was Cherry Blossom Time in Washington.

The day dawned sunny and the girls were in ecstacy.

"This year's will be a great festival. The greatest ever," said Patty.

"How do you know? You make like a native and you've only been in Washington a
week," scoffed Ross. "You're just a square tourist." Patty ignored him.

"I see by the papers there are about 750,000 tourists in town for the
festival," said Cathy.

"Wow!" exulted Patty. "And to think I'm part of it. I, Patty Lane, girl

"Girl goon," grunted Ross. He still couldn't get a rise out of her...

All morning Patty primped, just in case the TV cameras might be trained on
her. Ross had finally struck pay dirt. "Boy, when she tears herself away from
the mirror," he told Toni, "it's like two sweethearts parting."

"Since you're not coming with us and have no interest in this, why don't you
get lost, Brother dear?" Patty suggested in acid sweet tones.

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