Wednesday, January 7, 2009

E-Pop! Issue # 8: How Now Tae Bo?

It must be the end of the 90's. I just tried to enter a password on my microwave. I have 10 passwords: bank card, 401 K account #, grocery store discount card, gym membership, AOL account, "day job email", cell phone, home phone, home computer, and one accounts known only to me and that "Melissa computer virus" hacker in Camden, New Jersey, or wherever the hell he's from. I am no longer in control of my life.

So with life being so complicated, and with summer around the corner, E-Pop's only answer was to search out new ways to exercise.

What's on the current pop culture fitness radar?

How Now Tae-Bo?

Imagine the illegitimate black offspring from the unholy alliance of Bruce Lee and Richard Simmons. Then get really angry. Then throw in some Mike Tyson without the falsetto lisp. Take your bottled Evian with you because this is way trendy. Ignore the Cher-like infomercial that runs on continuous play on cable. You'll have Billy Blanks, Tae Bo pitchman extra-ordinaire. Now you're ready for Tae Bo, the new exercise craze sweeping the nation.

Billy's infomercial informs you that some of Hollywood's top celebrities are staying in shape with heavily aerobic Tae-Bo: Sinbad, Carmen Electra, Brooke Shields, Paula Abdul, Goldie Hawn, Magic Johnson, Shaquille O'neal, Lisa Rinna, Erik Estrada, Alfonso Ribiero, Rebecca de Mornay, Neve Campbell, Jack Scalia, Connie Selleca, Farrah Fawcett, Ryan O'neal, Valerie Bertinelli, Justine Batemen, Shannon Tweed, Lela Rochon, Gail O'Grady, Emmanuel Lewis, Rae Dawn Chong, Sugar Ray Leonard, Wayne Gretzky, Bruce Jenner and Pamela Anderson.

Clearly a group you want to be part of, right? I mean, take out Goldie Hawn and you're looking at an episode of "Love Boat."

We checked out the Web site to see what the fuss was about. It's a very interactive site with testimonials, video samples and ordering options as well as extensive message boards, which are divided into groups such as "Workout Tips" and "Are There Any Guys Who Do Tae-Bo?"

E-Pop!'s favorite message board was the "I Would Love To Buy Clothes Not In The Plus Sizes For Once." Most of the messages are from woman 200 pounds and plus who now call Tae-Bo their God. The following are a couple of examples of "Tae-Bo Tubby" fervor from two who appear to have lost interest in the required blubbering and intense math of the Richard Simmons' "Deal a Meal" plan:

By Lil on Monday, February 22, 1999-11:58 pm:
Until I started college was a fit 150. a comfy size 10. That freshmen fifteen sooned turned into a sophmore sixty. Yes i do weigh 210 ibs. I never thouht that this would happen to me. I hate the frito lay corperation. Also I was just dumped after what I thought was a three year solid relationship, and although I am not a vengeful person, the thought of my ex's mouth dropping if he sees me when I hopefully lose the weight just might be motivation enough.

By Shades on Thursday, February 25, 1999 - 06:44 am:
Since last Last Thursday I did the basic tape three times a night for like 4 days. Then school started again and I realized that three times a day was too much because it made me fatigued more than anything.

Well, buy E-Pop! a vowel because "O" My God. What a revelation.

Billy Blanks Tae-Bo TM Video Library, which was introduced last year, has become the bestselling fitness video on the market.

Naturally, E-Pop! had to try it. Watching these people scream on TV did nothing for E-Pop! We stretched. We "kicked butt!" as we were endlessly shouted at to do. We twisted our torso and kicked as high as we could in a direction God clearly hadn't OK'd. Most of all, getting yelled at and jumping up and down so quickly made our heart race faster and gave us what Carmen Electra referred to as the "endolphin rush" we crave. But bottom line, getting yelled at and moving at a heart rate of 150+ is E-Pop!'s day job.

Anybody wanna buy a Tae-Bo tape cheap?

No comments:

Post a Comment